SOUBDTRACK: Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart – Alicia Keys
With the ever-evolving status of our computer age world, scientists, technologists and artists alike are coming up with shiny new inventions that most of us would just love to try out. Portable submarines shaped like Dolphins, games that arouse all your five senses and Oreo-doughnut recipes are just few of these inventions. Hold your horses though. If you’re one of the ninety nine percent ‘not-so-rich’ people of this beautiful world, you must have realized that the reason you haven’t tried any of these things is either because you’re poor or YOU’RE WASTING YOUR TIME READING BLOGS ON WORDPRESS. But I’ve come up with a list of things that we can all do that require no cash at all. And first on the list is how to get your cardiovascular pumping organ A.K.A HEARTROCK broken and re-mended in just one hour.
1. Have a stable internet connection. Duh!
Did I say no cash at all? I meant have no cash at all but also have unlimited data and strong internet connection. Its obvious that doing most things now require internet connections; checking the weather, checking your internet connection, checking your calories, checking what’s up in Lagos by using Satellite mode on Maps even though there’s no street view (Its not snooping. Its VIGILANCE)
2. Pick your choice of dating apps.
Tindr. Grindr. Ok Cupid. WeChat. Badoo. KFC. Coldstone. TFC.
These are all different types of dating apps (Okay, maybe the last three were restaurants, but I can help it, the Food Channel is on). Pick anyone of the dating apps you like. Be advised though that some of the above listed apps are sexuality-based so if you’re heterophobic or more likely, homophobic, please check the app details before you download, sign up and end up with a bunch of guys in leotards.
3. Sign Up. And More Importantly, BE BRUTALLY DISHONEST.
This shouldn’t be on the list. But some people A.K.A morons need a step by step list or they get lost after they download the app because they don’t know how to click on the app. Everyone should know that when you sign up for an online profile, you use the picture of Tyson Beckford to catfish people. Now for this exercise to work, you have to be brutally dishonest when you sign up. That means a seeing-the-rainbow-after-the-storm or seeing-the-silver-lining situation. So enter your user name or nickname or nick depending on the app (May I suggest some; @NotSoSexyBootyliciousTwister @TheFatManWalking, @ExtraCurvyFries, @GooglyEyesForBieber) . Next is your age; remember be honest so enter your real age and get on with it (The Prime Age is 25). Now the most important thing is to do is to know how to correctly answer the other details; some apps have boxes for body types and since we’re all part of the ninety-nine percent, let’s go on ahead and enter ‘Stocky’ because Allah knows we’re far from abs and all. Fill in the other required spaces and continue. And finally, don’t upload your full picture. Take a picture of your face from a good angle (if you have one), try to blur your triple chins out.
4. Morph into an IT person.
In case you don’t know, IT stands for Internet Troll. Don’t act so surprised, you know you have more that one facebook profile. Now, an Internet Troll is someone who randomly picks people he/she/it thinks they might like and sends them ‘Greeting-Oriented-Messages’; these messages differ as they contain words that reply to the person’s rhetorical status. For example;
JohnMark Zucchiniberg Status : Biceps are overrated.
IT’s GMO : Yeah. I think Biceps are overrated too. So are bicycles, bisexuals, bicorns and biplanes. The world should start focusing on triceps and tricycles more. 😉
Killian Bikedarshian Status : Hit Me UP For A Chat
IT’s GMO : Kapow. Gbam. Boom. Krash. Punch. Punch. Slap. Hey.
Basically. Just reply to
5. Wait For The One That Will Break Your Heart to reply to your text.
There’s always one person who’ll think your GMO’s are funny and witty. The one that ‘Lol’s’ a lot to your words, that’s the One.
6. Spend The Next Thirty Minutes Texting The One And Get Then Catch Emotions And Get Attached.
This is where the magic happens. Now, You text and open up your heart to the person. You tell her/him about yourself and they ‘Lol’ a lot and they tell you about themselves a lot. You tell that you once spat into your Dad’s water and that it was you who broke the Principal’s louvre in High School even though they punished the whole school for it. They tell you that you’re weird and they like your weirdness. And even though its only been thirty minues, you’ll be sure you’ve found the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.
7. Reveal To The One Your Trueself Because You Believe That Your Thirty-Minute Relationship With Them Can Withstand Anything.
This step is not as hard as it seems. There’s a simply way to go about it. Simply say, “There’s something I need to tell you, I’m not really stocky, I’m a bit overweight (By a bit you know you mean a lot)”; or say “Actually, that’s not my picture” and then send them a picture of you in your pyjamas with nutella dribbling down your chinny chin chins.
8. GET YOUR HEART BROKEN.
After you reveal yourself to them, there will certainly be a short period where the person will go offline to collect his/her thoughts, there will be a small pause in the conversation and this suspense, well, it will choke you up from the inside. But don’t fear (Actually, Fear. Fear a lot because you’re just about to fall into a histrionic feat of getting your heart broken), there are only two things that will happen;
A. They’ll say “It doesn’t matter. We’re not fucking or anything. Its not a problem, I don’t judge and I have a lot chubby friends”. Now this might seem like a normal thing to say but its like saying, “It doesn’t matter. We’re not going to be seen together. Its not a problem, I have a lot of black friends and I don’t mind”. See how I related a completely unrelatable event to racism? Its a talent only Black people have.
B. You get blocked. What did you think? They’ll say “I love you for who you are but I have a boyfriend so wait till we break up”?
7. Re-Mend Your Heart Now That’s Its Broken.
If they don’t like me for who I am, that’s their problem.
I’m beautiful the way I am.
Allah makes no mistakes.
Its their loss, not mine.
Now I’m potatoes, no one wants me, one day I’ll be Fries and then everyone will want me.
What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger ( Except Alzheimer’s, Dementia, Too Much Chocolate Cake)
Above, are all the lies that you’ll tell yourself so that your Humpty Dumpty heart can pick itself up back again and beat.
Also. Watch reruns of your favorite shows (Family Guy, Hart Of Dixie, Grey’s Anatomy, All those porno vids you have hidden away in the folders of your files) with chocolate cake, a bag of chips, chocolate and Ice-cream (Don’t worry. You’ll lose the weight someday. Just push of eating healthier for another day. Right now, your body needs its comfort food so that your fat can keep you warm at night instead of the arms of someone that loves you. What’s one more box of Oreos? What’s one more tub of Coffee Fudge? )
If you’ve followed these steps carefully, you’ll find that you’ve gained a new exciting insight and experience and you’ve hardly spent any cash. And the best part of it all, you can keep doing it, over and over and over again, it will never get old.